(^.^) insert witty message here (^.^)

INK, in a major way

2009-10-15T05:25:25Z

So The reference is obscure, it's related to a classic gameboy game, and an overall great series. I'd been planing the tatto in my mind for a few years now. maybe 3 or 4. And I new after I got my salamander, my wicked awesome salamander, that Elieze would be the only artist who could understand my imagination and intent. I gave her some bad black and white screenshots, and a snapshot from the user's manual. A week latter she has drawn this meticulous outline. I couldn't believe the detail, it was full of curves, thin lines, thick lines, and a presence of movement in it. I may be exaggerating now, but if anything my elation was higher from the first prick to the last.
But it's no lie, while my brain was surging endorphins and adrenaline, I only had so much toughness in me. Durning the three sessions, I usual broke down after the first 30-40 min. After that it hurt. a lot. the last time I sat in the chair, and during the last 30 min of the whole process, I was near tears. No amount of breathing or meditation seemed to be working, it was like having your legs turn to jello right in front of the finish line. ANd Elieze, well I can only imagine what three two, two and a half hour sessions must be like. Holding a vibrating pen, with surgical precession, not just for my two hours in the chair, but during a whole days work. It must be insanely hard.

So now, instead of takign the time to move the .jpg's to my server and imbedding them here, I'm going to link to Elieze's deviantart page and have you gok at all of her amazing pieces.

http://elize.deviantart.com/art/windfish-135892510

And who kniows maybe I'll make another post here someday soon.

-brendan.

Subject? I have to think of a subject, ...fuck.

2009-07-21T20:40:20Z

::blows off the dust::

Yup. Still alive.
Ten fingers, ten toes.
Less piercings. More ink.
Same hat.

endline

more coffee more typing.

2008-07-18T19:53:44Z

Well Summer class is basically over. I submit a revised paper on Monday, then its a whole bunch of registration for September. In fact I'm picking out my fall schedule this weekend, it's intense. Aparently most ofthe kids in the class i was in, have to take a CRW11/112 class. Not realy a remedial class, but a creative writting class where they can work on how to write an essay, and well, think. I'm one of the few who don't have to suffer through that. I'm going right into a 4credit FYS english class. Well that and 3 other classes. I'm thinking I'll do two classes a day, five days a week. (yes the math will work out) Say i do this from like 9am-2pm, that'll give me plently of time to work and study. Gah, this is alot of work. But here i am Doing it. Makeign it through. Whats kinda amazing, is that when i walk into the office of my program (it's called DSP, basicaly its a program for people who need a bit of suport to make sure they start college prepared) I'll ask a question or go to grap a fyler of some sort, and they talk about "this guy who lived in the woods", or when Cris (the proffesor) got into a hudge argument with one of his students that lasted most of the class, I go oh, realy? and then they tell me all about this absurd person, who seems to have no place being there, who ::gasp:: has ideas of his own and talkes to prossesors and TA's alike with an understanding and perlexing questions. I'll just say oh, that might be me your talking about. And then calmly I'll say htat what they heard was a fierce exageration, that say when we were talkign about poverty and choice, the students might have heard "poor people choose to be poor", but what was realy beign said was "poor people are under the illution of choice because capitolism inherently makes their choises uninformed ones, and manipulates their consept of value, thus their sence of choice is inherently corupted by our economic system".
and so on.
God damn i love College.
well off to revise that paper. Oh and I installed another Dictation program, it helps to think out loud, but not that great for nitpickign revitions on an essay, beter for email, or an outline. ...still cool though.

rawr

2008-07-01T03:21:32Z

Yup, write that essay in 45min. Used Wikipedia to get quotes, padded the word count, and actually came out above what i was supposed to have by half a page (150 words). It kicked ass. The essay was better than anything anyone else submitted. I might be boasting, but It's easy to know what the prof. is looking for when you not only read ALL the info you can find on the book your reading, but find the authors contemporarys and read them too! I went so far as to research the entire branch of media/linguistic theory thesis book falls into. So now as I'm rereading our assigned material for the third time through, It's easy to see where his ideas are coming from and the logical pitfalls he avoids while creating a structure and foundation for his argument. It's like reading Pushkin and Gogol, then going to Bulgovok.
Looks like this week'll be a brease. Might even look to pick up a few hours more at some place closser to school. Maybe Levit&peirce or Tuscaninis (or some coffee shop), or even maybe micro center... Well we'll see in a few.
Alright, time to peace out.
ta-ta

10% of my grade in 500 words.

2008-06-29T23:58:53Z

Ok, I know i had a week to write this 500 word essay. I figured it'd be a piece of cake. Drop sume big words, totaly tie it into the book we're reading. Mock Fox News, the usual. But the essay (exercise) is realy to test our tecnical abilities. Correct grammar. Anilitical thinking, and supported paragraphs. ...greeeaaatt...
So here I am @ work. trying to shit out an essay due tommorow. Clearly I'm adapting to college life already. Well got to go. ::sigh::.
-B

metaphor and mediums

2008-06-21T22:24:50Z

Wow, what the fuck was i doing for 4 years? I was wrong, everyone else was(is) right. College is the place for me. I've been going to classs for one week now. I wonder around the campus, a bit like walking through the forest in spring, as you can see further, and open your arms out wider. I walk up to people and introduse myself for no reason. I walk, chat, converse and debate with strangers. I get offered drugs like the first day of high school. ...and i kindly decline their offers. I find niches. I go down emergency stairwells because my need to explore is an emergency. also, there is rumor of an abandoned building. On monday I'm bringing my '70s all metal nikon, my maglight, and come hell or high water, I'm going to have fun. ...Not to mention the abbandoned (stucturaly unstable) underground parking garage...
We're reading neil postman in class. Now i know why Jes wanted to do linguistics. its maddening how language is a barrier to Truth. here i was squabaling about Emersons nature, the Human condition, but on a base level, even my thoughts are arbitrary.
I'll stop typeign now.
Thank you for your attention.

college bound (please could you at least use nylon ropes?)

2008-05-15T00:22:49Z

God damn it. So my mother basicaly said "ok, your going to college". Now I just smiled and nodded, but here we are, and she gave me a call 3 days ago basicaly saying in 30min what I'll say in one sentence. "theres some kind of series of essay questions on the umass website, you need to do that by the 15th".
nice. ...thanks Deb. So now I'm writtign about a book, and me and umass. and I'm not ...structurign my time very well. ...fuck they're goign to kick me out of the library soon. bah. It's not liek i dont have alot to say, or that I cant. but I dont like the preasure, and and dont like how for the past three days shes been calling me up to five times a day!. and always always its a different guilt trip. "do you need a printer? I cant realy aford to, but i can buy you one". "the guy looked over your GED score, well he said that you could go anywhere brendan. the skys the limit for you, he said he's never seen scores liek that, so if theres a college you realy want to go to, I'll do my best to pay for it, maybe you could write a list..." "I'm working 10am-12am, Its a long shift and I realy dont get any breaks, so you wont be able to reach me" "Do you need a printer? I dotn want you hand writtign it. your handwritting, well Brendan, its terrible. so if you needd a printer, wait i think i have one here. do you need a printer? do you know how to install one if i gave you mine?
kill. me. kill me.
wow tryign all that felt good. very zen. like puttign it ina balloon or something. Ah! my phone!, ...oh wait its not her... OK. ::breathes::
well back to my shitty esssay.
...grummble...

damn bees

2008-04-24T23:43:18Z

I had a weird dream last night. it started of normaly, my basic dytopian, swashbuckling -hacker anti-hero stuff. Till i came upon a field. and it quivered inbetween realities. a beatifuly green carpet of grass streaching out in front of me, with a lit sun, and a few big trees like i was emerging fro ma forest of anicient heritage. and then the air infront of me would brur and sway, till the green turned yellow, then gray. And when everythign settled and my feet firm I was in a desolate ash covered land. as if there was a battle there, and where the corpses fell the earth died. sparce patches of dead grass, grey collered sky that seemed to have a ceiling of only a few feet or many miles. the air was stale. then came the bees. three of them. and as i tried to defend myself. one got me on my left shoulder, where my tattoo is. and then one got my sallamander tattoo on my right wrist. the third stung me in the heart. I felt it enter, and i felt poision seeping into my viens. the bee dying there in my chest, and its stinger like a machine pumping, and getting hotter and hotter till my chest was buring. My breath got heavy, i became unable to move as my arms and legs stiffened like I had a massive current running through me. Every joint, mussle, clenching tighter, and as I exhaled what little stale air was in my lungs, I couldn't inhale. all the while my body writhed in pain. THen i woke up to my room in the afternoon heat. the sun shining through, a slight breeze coming through my window, Styx was playing softly, and I was awake.

goodbye windows.

2008-04-19T02:42:39Z

My vista PC got a virus, one htat wont go away. the virus randomly plays loud 1-8 second long clips from advertisements. Randomly. and NOrton, AVG, and even manualy huntign it down does no good. So it's time to move on.
I'm tryign to do a tripple boot. vista, osx, and linux. and rightnow I'm not sure if i care to install vista ever again. Not becasue its a bad OS. I actuly find it very comftable. But because it's poorly designed. ITs divicult to tweak. Everyhtig nthey add to make it more secure just makes it harder to use. UAC is a perfect example of this. The programs written for windows always lack the beauty of one for OSX, or the lightweight of a program for Linux. In a word a windows program is Gross. I supose i should keep a little install of windows around just for video games, but realy, do i have to? No. Wine is so so good at what it does that i dont have to. And most of the games i play, QUake II, BZflag, Fallout, they have linux or osx binarys! so the point that windows is a "gaming OS" is pure shit. HTe overhead is so bad, the networking stack is totaly inificient compared to a *nix based stack.
So soon I might be takign the OSX plunge (Again). And then all my Hentai games'll be running in OSX, and look so so cool.
Hail Xenu,
Brendan

oh the thoughts i have.

2008-04-05T01:29:30Z

So my cell phone works again, and I'm still healthy. Things could be worse, and as bleak as it sounds, its the first thing i think when i wake up. Oh I enjoy the days as they pass by. I read, and think, and dear lord do i smoke my pipe as I sure as i breath. But I worry about this transition I'm feeling.
I used to ravege. I used to pillage. i used to be the one to climp a lamp post and hurl myself off to see if would survive the fall. No i knew i would survive, I wanted more to see if I would break the earth underneath. Because i was sure. I was sure i was unbreakable. And Sometimes i thought i would break the earth liek a pebble breaks the surface of a pond. I wanted marathon sex. I used to enjoy my sundays by beating off 50 times in a row. I (vaugely) rembember being up for 4 days straight, sustained by biking, coffee, and packs of unfiltered camels.
Was that youth? if it was why do i feel restless? I want so badly to enjoy life like wine, yet more often then nought I fear that if i don't guzzle it, it'll go sour as the sun rises. Part of me is slowing down. it's this part that hungers for soft kisses, and sips his oak aged whiskey. is this it? The comeing of being 23 has me waving goodbye to this rabblerauser punk i used to be? The Descendents have a song, "when i grow up", it asks, when i grow up, will i still sleep on the floor, will i still bike around town, will i still hate the cops? ...will I? Will you?
Whatever it is that makes me ask these questions. I find that It takes energy for me to go out on adventures. That is it a thread in my heart soon to be cut. going over this post everythig nI;'ve written seems trite. but This is what i think when i wake up with the sun in my eyes. I no longer want to touch everything, and climb every mountian, I want to praise and revel in what i have in my hands and my eyes.

I still have an acount here? oh yeah,...

2008-03-16T01:41:34Z

poke.
still alive, and doing well. Never any time though. I'm workign 7 days a week. 4 at Staples, where i just got a promotion (w00t) and 3 days at Stabucks, where, ...dear god why am i still workign for starbucks! ::cries a little, sips at a double-tall latte::
Been toying aroudn with photography again though, and even went so far as to creat a flickr acount.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/24713051@N07/
..that sould be the right link, but I'm kinda tired. If it interests you, my wonderfull flickr/yahoo username is "brendan.mcnabb@yahoo.com"
very creative i know.
well, I have to hack the pentagon now,
ta-ta

pssst, i have something to tell you.

2007-12-10T05:12:49Z

To myself:
Brendan, go for what you want. And If it's right in front of you, Dont run away. You mustn't run away. If love like Linux, maybe it'd be easier. Maybe It might make more sense. And maybe the pain of losing someone wouldn;t hurt as bad. But that's not the care. It does hurt. And as fu nas it is to treat pleasure as pain, you don't need to. You don't need to fall down into that trap. You know you have someone just inches away from you, some one who keeps pace with you, who makes you feel, well, ...like back then. Before you knew what love was. And before you learned the true meaning of the word "loss". How rare it that? it's that worth fighting for? Is it so hard to beleive you might have found that passion once again? You have "Honor" in your blood. It was after all of that pain, not before that you got it inked there, in big broad strokes. What were you sayign when you asked for that Kanji? honor. Isn't this it? Standing firm, and fighting your own fears for somethign as pure and simple as love?
If you ever get that itchy feeling again. The one that say's run. the calling to go to sea and never return. Think of your life, and think if you realy want to always leave with work unfinished.
Please feel for the strenght you know is there, and stand your ground.

look, no hands!

2007-12-10T04:45:13Z

I survived. I mean, it was goign to be bad, i knew it, but still, I can't believe i made it.
What a ride. I mean, this one was something else. i knew I could feel the road, like a siren was calling my name, beconing me, but it was like a low hum of a foghorn i nthe distance, i though t i heard it many times, but brushed each time off as if it were the wind.
Here's how it began. I was outside after work, on by bike of course, carving down this one cozy road to get a warmth i needed like air. And there under a glowing grey sky said my hello's, my goodbye's, and even though i didn't want to leave, I looked up at the sky, and somewhere up there i could feel that somethign was coming, and i had best be on my way. So with my usual Hurrah! I got my speed into my weels and began to hit the rotary by the prison once again. Here too, Somethign was wrong wit hthe road, it's texture, ...was wrong. And inbetreen tracks of Alice i nChains, and Pearl Jam, i heard a cringling sound like static. Only it wan;t comign fro mmy headphones, it was coming from my tires. Odd. But the nit hit me. This wasn't rain, this was freezing rain. Hail. Somthing not good.
I took refuge in Petes basement for an hour or so. Shot the shit, watched Pete set up his Everquest character. And inbetween sips of beer, forgot about the weather outside. I was the clock was close apocking 10pm, my cue to leave, and outside it didnt seem so bad. I went through empty fourway intersections. I bikes past the acres of golfcorses, and when i made it to Nine acre corner, again, ...something, was amiss. My tires didnt feel right. I wasnt gripping the road, yet i was goign realy fast. It didnt seem to make sence, and with my pants becomeign more and more soaked. My sunglasses to wet to see out of, I was removign more of my gear than made sence! My gloves were still on yes, but my mask, my glasses, both were of no use to me, when i needed the best reaction time i could have. I even took my headphone volume down a notch. Somethign i never ever do.
Miles later i was coming to the Wayland Library. I was screaming not singing "i came for You" by bruce Springstien. It was amazing i thought i had made it. the roads were wet, a good sign, there were no cars, and i was making great time.
All true untill i took the last road. The very road where i live. literaly about 100 yards of road thats a straight slope down. A gentle hill, but dark, and steep enough to made me weary. I even thought whe ni took the turn, "dont petal, let the hill give me speed, and If need be, I'll ride my breaks down". Oh and speed was what i got as my bike decended. not 30 feet int othe road somethign was wrong. I was riding my breaks, my fro mwheel was stopped, but I was still gainign speed. OK. thats odd i thought. then I let go, didnt want to go head over heels after all, and with that release i was goign even faster. Too fast. That was when my bike began to tilt. Yes tilt. Tilt is not something you ever want to feel your bike do, so being me, Did i let her go? no. I trued her out. I shifter my weight and Liek a steed, put her o na true path. But the wobbles were still there. Now i was halfway down the hill. Wobbling like a mad man! How was i still up!? this was unbeleavable i was moving a foot on one side, and then leavign another foot over on the left! all while gaining speed, and screaming blody murder. Things like "BOB Saget!" "ahhhh!" and "come on!". I remember my eyes, they were focused on my wheel. i was lookign down mostly, to see how bad the tilt was. not left, not away, but right there, right where i had to focus, not the horsemen of hell could have taken me out of my seat. thats what i thought untill i crashed. And man it was a good one. The wobbles were not under control i was keepign them at bay at best. And then like a kite the wind took me down. I knew it too, and has less than half a second to prepare. What to do. so I put one hand on my hat, and one hand on my handle bars, and like that I went down With great thunder, and skid the last 50 meters.
My first reaction whe ni realised I was breathing. was just that. I'm breathing. ...does anythign hurt..? ...no? and wit hthat question answered I laid back. i let go of everythign and spwraled on the road looked up at the glowing sky, and laughfed. I laughed out loud for what seemed like a quater of an hour. Sat there, and after i would stop, I would begin chuckling, and there i was a gain great bursts of laughter. eventuly my wet cloths began to bother me and i picked myself up and took a look around me.
The road. Was compleate Ice. the ENTIRE road, was a SHEET of ice. I waled up the road to where i entered and felt it. Ice, for the entire stretch of the hill. It was so smooth, and such a sheet, that it was un fact hard to walk at all on it! Looking at my 50 yeards, I couldn't beleive it. What a feet. If only I had taped it. If only I could watch it again. And like that i slowly walked back, and humble, very humble felt glad to be alive.

bike, coffee, dreams, coffee, bike somemore

2007-12-07T04:41:59Z

Today. today i called about a rom for rent. that was noonish. Got no answer, left a message. And felt ignored. Its a frustrating feeling when you want to get something done, and the world acts like a strong wind you have to walk into. I then packed up a few things, and took a trip down to starbucks, where I had only a little time to myself. My intention was to put my headphones on, do some work on my Laptop, and drink too much coffee. But a few hours into my simple plan, i was thankfully pulled away. Or rather i should say, I had to put away my headphones, because it was the only thign to do. My path was in front of me, and while not the only path, it was the only True path. It was my, as frank Herbert would say, my "golden path". And so the snow, speckled with leaves underfoot, became my golden path. It led me to a calm place, a long walk, and a lovely time at the DeCordeva. Where I saw art for the first time i na long time, well art that was real, there in front of me and also beside me. As apposed to being displayed in flashing frames on an LCD screen.
Then there was the Concord tree lighting. I can that it was nothing short of wonderful. I was in great company, in the chaos i felt free, and almost a bit less bitter than i usually feel. We dropped into the toy store, remeniced a bit. then there was the cheese shop, the bookstore (with the best Russian Tea!), there was the antique store -utterly amazing, and so much more. the bank, the radio station. Starbucks even, where i met a few of my new Comrades. And then a moment of Decompression in the Main st. Cafe. My dear was even kind enough to buy me my coffee, a gesture that was very endearing. And over said coffee, I cought a glimpse of myself. that is to say, A tired look, a "thousand-yard stare", a smokers look, where they seem to focus on something way off i nthe distance that no one else sees. And it has this timeless feel about it, an anachronism where the true age of her soul comes up for air liek a great sea creature. Breaking the surface of a young face, a worn and wise being emerges for a second to take a breath. A breath that seems to be perfectly zen. Filled with a sence of purpose and reflection, yet without false constructs or any predisposition.
But all this was for a second, and after i pointed it out, she said so simply, that we're quite alike, her and I. I doubt anything could have hit me as hard as that this evening. Through the snow, the hallways full of art, the streeets filled with children, to the wicker bar stools we sat in, it was i nthat moment i was brought down to my self. To say it better, I was confronted with a fact i hadn't seen all day, dare i say all year, or ever. But all this could simply be the construct of a disalutioned mind. A dream that plays over the random events of life, like a faint picture over TV static. Maybe I made it up. Maybe I'm wishing to hard. Then again, maybe everything is divine, and so are my dreams.

just another post from another barista

2007-12-06T04:15:35Z

Things are prgressing. Moving. ebbing. being remeraly good. The daily comute to work is killing me, makeign me sick, and complain. But other than that it's swell. Very pritty.
Relationships are growing, progressign as well. I especialy love it when friends now have a glimmer in their eye, and I wonder if its there for me to see.
I cought up wit hsome emails, and internetfull things today. Tried to recuperate. Even wearign warm layers, the wind chill, the ice, Generaly biking 20miles an hour when its 18 degrees (no exageration) outside, for an hour each way, ...can't be healthy. Ok, sorry to rant, but it help my psyche.
I have to shout out to Kim if she ever reads this, Thank you again for playing Poe that one time i nthe car. I comeback to it sometimes, and I listem to the whole albulm, and ...man her voice, her words, kill me everytime. So wonderfull. I'm not sure if I'll put it on my mp3 player, as it might not be the best biking music, but today i had it on loop, and while i read, and did boring stuff on my laptop, my God it was wonderfull. (ps, how are you kim, you dont post much anymore...).
Findig na place to live, ...could be going better. I'm at the point where the Navy is looking like a viable option again. I nearly joined last may. But they dicked me around, "Oh, you have a ::gasp:: record, well now we're not sure if we want you... hmm...".
Fuckers.
So Here's hoping i dont get drunk and sign up for the armed serveses!. Hurrah.
Ok, well that was fun. Now back to my whisky.
We have some catching up to do. Plus it helps when I chant for difficult people in my life. I'm so glad i have uddism in my life.
yar, a good night to ye all,
B

Sleep is gona be so cool one of these days.

2007-11-13T21:34:58Z

So the meetign wasinteresting. Basicaly we went over selling tecniques to use, how to do all this tech stuff in Real-time. Like, Live, on the floor, right now, Lets fix this PC. Kinda attitude. Again, this is a radical change they're trying to impliment, so I understand the nessecity to have everone o nthe same page, yet it still feels half-assed and last minuete.
Time wise it was interesrting, We were an hour early. Ya, so I had breakfast at Dunkin'Donuts and that was splendid. Then the meeting ran from 9am - 1pm. I got home around 2pm, I've had three beers and now I feel much better about going into work.
to work my 6-11pm shift. -and then bike bike. yadda yaddda, poor me. ::sigh:: Realy this venting helps I swear, else i wouldn't do it every post. It's just these past two weeks, and probaly the next few to come. High stress, no help. Lots of weight, er... responsibility on my back, which leads me to me a bit psychotic these past few days.
Ok. 4:30. I gota head out it seems.
alas, fare the well,
Brendan.

warm dry cloes are good.

2007-11-13T11:41:07Z

So yesterday was special. I had that interview. I worked till 10:45, then biked home in the only downpour all day, then tried not to get hypothermia by imediatly shedding all of my clothes, Now've pulled an all nighter, it's 6:34 and I'm getting a ride to NH for my meeting which starts @ 9am, and ends @ 1pm.
Then becasue the people i work with are trying to kill me, I get to bike from home to work to do a 6-10pm shift. (on top of that i open tommorow).
Kill me.
An interesting point was made last night, can one ever become "pure again". Can you let go of this bitterness inside, and let that youthfull positive energy displace it? She said Yes. I say No.
It's now 6:38 , I have to put on shoes and pretend to be awake.
Oh, and I got the *$ gig. I start the week after thanksgiving.
sun, mon, tues, wed - Staples ownes me.
thurs, fri, sat - *$ owenes me.
w00t.

out the door, again.

2007-11-13T11:33:40Z

I was trying to post this yesteday, but my internet connectivity prevented me from doing so. thus here is yesterdays post, today. Hurrah!

Well today, or rather in 1:45min, I have my interview with Mel at *$. It's going to be a brease. Basicaly what i think we're going to go over are specifics like hours, wages, what she wants/expects. She did say that I should take the *$ training over again, as things have changed in two years, and to take it seriosly. I feel she said that because she knows I'm old school, and I have a certian way (the right way) of doing things. What she doesn't know is that as much as I'll miss what rules have gone away, and loath the new ones. I'm a total hardass at work. Drinks have to be make to the letter. No shortcuts. God i have shortcuts. If you were bakign a cake, would you eyeball the salt? Or yeast in bread. Hell if you were bartending, yould you leaveout an ounce from someone's beer? No. Absulutly not. And thats how i feel. So This will be, ...interesting. Especialy with this new Staples ..god... ..there's no name for it.. ...it's liek a whole new Staples.
We has that store meetign about it yesterday. Fucking crazy. Aparently there will be a commition. I'm resposible for the whole sales floor, and everyone who was in Office supplies, will now be doing other thigns. It's godamn crazy. And judgeing fro mthe specifics, it looks like this'll be a 3month trial, and it WILL work, its just a matter of how well it'll work. Oh, and our reputaion as a store, our names, our district are all on the line. Heads will roll if we fuck this up.
In other news, Debbie and her BF, and Jared and Maeve took me out to legal seafood yesterday afternoon. It was good. I got a bit sloshed on beer/wine/irish coffe and so did Debbie. All and all, it was tolerable and the food was wonderfull. (lobster ravioli by the way).
My bike is fixed. Thats been great. Her and I have been real close recently. Me wearing my sweater/Leather. Her looking beautiful in Baby blue... ...who needs romance, when one has a bike like mine. And on that note, I realy realy hate being blunt, and haveing to be forcefull. Asking people out, making the first move. Trying to bring up the ishue, only to have them have no idea what your talking about. It's a bit frustrating. Why cant I just walk into a bar/coffee shop see pure Lust in someones eyes and aproach them. Hell we'll even get away with words, just pure body laungage. Thats all that real matters.
Well before i go into a terrible bitter tirade, I'd best be off. I have this interview, then work till late(ya no time, just 'late'). then a meeting in NH @ 9am. To get to which I'm gettign a ride from a co-workier, who's picking me up at 6:45am tommorow morning. Grrreeeaaatt...
Peace,
B

fin

2007-11-09T05:02:59Z

So and ending to this day came. I do just what i set out to do. Biked with the front wheel in hand to concord, fixed the flat, biked to work, biked back, again with wheel in hand, in black, and headphones... ...and when i look at my sad bike there, sitting against the stone wall, drapped in leaves, I get this sickening feeling. I look closer... ...yup the back tire, dead. Flat. The one tire that wasn't popped. the back tire that was full of air this morning, now, not so much. it just sits there now mocking me. laughfing at me. flat.
gadamn it. I figure it was the tempature change that did it. maybe the seteling of air. i dunno. But either way, come sat. it looks like i'll have another adventure a head of me. Wicked fucking pissah.
Anyways, Tommorow my friend from work is gragging me out to the malls to get some life in me. Should be fun. As long as they keep me away from the little children, i think it'll be OK.
Christ it's been a long day. I had a thought as i was biking. I though It would be nice if my family wasn't fucked. As this is odd, becasue usualy i have no intrest to even care. So This odd feeling of reconciliation, of wanting my own family to be sane, this is odd. but maybe i just want change. And hey, that would be a goddamn 180 fro mthe way things have been for 22 years. Alas, I ain't about to start working on that today, nor tommorow, nor even this year. But hey, it was a thought. Probaly one that came out of my low oppinion of myself at this current juncture in time. So once that resolves itself, I'll be back to being confident, and awsome. ...hell maybe it's the moon cycle giving me mood swings. But I can feel this cold grip on my soul slowly loosening. Slowly. It's beginging to fade away.
Peace.

hey, I'm still alive and stuff happened.

2007-11-08T17:29:15Z

Word came down to me two days ago, that out Staples district (eight stores) will be the trial stores to see if a country wide rollout if feasable. It goes like this, for the past year we've been tryign to compete in the same realm at best buy and other computer stores. Like sellling more desktops/laptops, MP3 players, and even doing PC repairs. But even still we do in a month what a best buy dtore does in a week (for tech work). Thus it hasnt realy been going so well. The reason for that is simple. I wear a red shirt, as does most every other employe there. we have to sell, restock the shelves, stay up on the latest promotions, make the apropriate changes to our displays, and sometimes if it's busy I can get stuck on a regester for hours. Thus, where i need to be (the sales floor) isn't where i spent most of the time. Thus corpate i ntheir infinite wisdom has a plan.
All of the associates in my Department (about 4(yeah we're understaffed)) will be getting gray shirts. the same ones as the (one) easy technition in our store. Thus we'll now be known (my department) as "easy techs". The idea here isn't just superficial. No. Whats going to happen a week (just 7days from now) is that our job will be to sell and sell more. Sell, and do a bit of PC work, like RAM installs, and diagnosing PC problems. Quickly and easily.
We don't aim to be a store for the geeks and techies. Because most of my costomers are soccermom types, or bissnesmen, they realy dont give a shit about the latest graphix card. They just need it to work. Simple. And Now, that will be excusivly my resposibility. It's niffty.
Lately all that tedious crap has been gettign under my skin, so to have a streamlined focus, realy makes me breath a bit easier.
And basicaly thats Work in a nutshell.
As far as me myself. Well I'm doing alright. A little bothered by my heart. I had this great idea recently, I'd try not to care about someone I was involved with. I figured I could keep it simple. And detatch my heart from what was happening. Ha, nope. I fucked it up. I got attached, and now I'm reading liek crazy tryign to keep my mind off of what a jackass I am. And I know I'm goign through the motions of emotions. sad, angry, all that fun fucking stuff. But even though i realise I'm doing it, it doesnt make this prosses of moving on go any faster. Put simply I feel ashamed. I expect beter from myself, and here i was thinking "this is small potatoes, easy". but no. It wasnt. It was something i wanted to finish through. Something that ...hell here i am shooting my mouth off. But hey I figure I just typed alot of borign stuff, and who's realy goign to read this far down anyway. frankenstein babooshka mellons visectemys flat tires chipmunks.
thank you and goodnight.
I mean, I have to bike to work. On my friends bike, that needs to be tuned up like crazy, while holding in my hand my wheel fro mmy god bike but with a flat tire. So i can bike to concord get the right inner tube, fix the flat, bike to work, then leave work @ 10, only to bike back here in wayland/natic while holding a bike wheel in my right hand dressed in black.
with headphones on. How the fuck am i not dead yet.
anyways, this has been therapudic. And I'm off.
Peace,
Brendan

rain. lots of rain.

2007-10-28T20:34:39Z

I hate mac os X. It so goddamn dumb. I cant SSH. I cant easily set up an ftp server. theres no intergration between the command line and hte actul OS. And what controls for display setting there are, they're completely underpowered. Basically, Even when i durn down the "visual effects" its barely noticeable. Plus I cant alter Virtual memory setting in the least.
bah. Linux is so much beter, it's almost sad.
I will say this: The hardware is rather sweet. The thing is a brick, but they do manage to be quite powerfull.
Thus I'm playing around wit ha Panasonic Toughbook CF-27.
This this is a goddamn weapon. It's ruggedised and weather proof. With shock mounted hards drives.
it might weaigh a bit, but damn it's cool. Oh, did i mention it has a touch screen? Because Yes. Yes it does. I toutch it. alot.
My heart isn't totaly sold on it yet, but the badass factor is rather huge.
And Tommorow is the day i find out (should be the day i find out) if I've gotten clearence to be re-hired back at *$.
This'll certenly be and interestign week. I'm glad I have mon & tuesday off to prepare for it.
-B.

this is not my beautifull tree

2007-10-25T18:14:23Z

Still alive.
MMmmmm.... Declairitive statements. ya thats the point its gotten to. I'm here alive. Working, Eating, Smoking my pipe. Yada Yada yada.
On the plus side though It looks like I've maned up and found a place to live. My friends family has a room for rent, and I've stayed wit hthem before so I know its a cool situation. And Aside fro mworkign out the details, it'd be my own room, a place i could call home. The kicker here is that When this was mentioned, and i asked what it would be per month to stay there, my offer to pay -was shot down. Just doing yard work, and helping with chores and soem computer stuff would be enough. It actuly unsettles me. Not just the over-the-top kindness, but that I'd feel better if i did pay.
here the one down side: Ever heard of Wayland? Well neither had I. Aparently every time I've been biking fro mthere to work and back, I've been thining "oh it's not that bad, its right next door to sudberry and lincoln". then the other day i was knowticign that not one mile down the road, not even a full mile, was the Natic mall. yeah. I've been biking and will be every day from Natic to Acton.
My legs are so huge from biking it's gross.
But now that I'm livign in a house, I'm clean shaven, and groomed, and relitivly clean again. Well except for the patchuli. That i still reek of.
oh I uploaded some photos. here have some links:
pete, pete&fire, Jeremy, Yours truely.
Expect fore frequent posts, not that all the interested crazy assed adventures of self-discovery are over.
-Brendan

sun and rain

2007-09-07T23:03:48Z

Her I am in Scituate. With Debbie and her daughter. And her puppy, Mizzy, who's on her way out (debbie likes killing her pets. This is the fith animal or so that she's killed. from her last email to me:
"We are dealing with Mizzen being sick. She lost huge amounts of hair, lost alot of weight, and is acting strange. It looks like she has a rare disorder or cancer which is elevating her thyroid levels.
More diagnostics will only be more money which has no correlation to how they can help her. " Debbie took her to one shiity animal hospital and this is her opinion after they "failed to find out what was wrong". By the way, Debbie is a bit tapped in the head.
She makes me feel insane. like I'm crazy, and something in my head is fetid and rotting away. like when she tells me over dinner, that my eye, one eye mind you, is sticking out. Yes that I must have falled and hit my head, or that i got into a fight, and my eye (though she wont tell me wich one) is sticking out of my skull "by a good few millimeters!". Crap like that makes me crab my chest in pain as i suffer a mini heart attack. Oh and My sister is a bit of a spoiled bitch now too. creeps me out... ...all she does is coplain, whine, and watch tv. Gross. And here i am. Useing some HP recovery disks on her ruined HP laptop. Yup, maybe if i just focus on this, I wont have to speak. and if i put on these headphones here, I wont eve have to hear her sickly fake voice tell me how much she loves me, and how we should be a family, and how all three of us should live together. ::shiver::
back to this laptop.
ta-ta,
Brendan

oak

2007-09-04T23:12:10Z

So, poison oak. It wasn't fun. It's almost gone though. was once covered 90% of my body, everythign except for my face and parts of my chest, is now nearly gone. ...just my knees, and my ankles. ...and my feet. I hate my feet right now. Last night i scratched so hard, and nothing helps , I gave up. utterly. and in a moment of animal rage, through stones at my feet to try to numb the pain. Then, after catchign my breath, calmed down, and tried to focus on somehtign else. ...poison oak sucks.
but other than that, life continues. I woked 36 hours last week, and I'm about to do the same this week. 9-5, five days in a row, za day off, then more 9-5's.
My one complaint right now is the weight of my backpack. THe laptop I'm currently useign is a 10lb beast. it makes me cry. untill i look at it. then i see a bit of myself, a bit of pain from gettign linux installed on an old iBook, and then it makes me smile. THis post sucks.
Heres the truth.
I cant stop thinking. I'm a fool and a bastard. I'm devinely human, and frailer than i'd care to be. When someone enters my life, how grand everythign is. But i can never tell them how i feel. Let them know the deaps i have. how deep this rivers runs, and how they sway these hard currents i nmy heart. Then i fuck things up, or they leave, or both, and then life is nothing. It is not an alpha, it is not an omega. IT IS A CIRCLE SPINNING IN SPACE. IT IS A LEAVE I NTHE WIND WITH NO TREE OR GROUND.
I love biking. last night i biked out to wayland (again), and i had no light. the road (rt126) has no (and i do mean NONE) streetlights. its all slopping, curvign hills. like a body that i just glide over, that pulls me into it. It was incredible. THe air abovwe the asfault was warm fro mthe sun all day, yet the air fro mteh surrounding feild was wet and cool. It reeked of plants giving up the last of their life before fall. it was like even the stars couldn't penetrate the musk. and there i was biking 18 miles in it. Oh and when a car came, it was liek buckshot i nmy eyes. I was white. no up. no down. no dubble-yellow, no car. Just white, and it's then you pray, to somethign. to god. to yourself. to the car, to your bike. to fate, that when this buring white light comes for you (and its gettign bigger, brighter the whoile time) that it'ss pass you. That your emerge through it. and i did, everytime.
and then once the light is gone, the star play in your eyes for a bit, then the double yellow comes back, then the road apears, and your back glidign through time and space.

this should be in falloutbunny, but i suck.

2007-08-19T09:54:05Z

Well I'm posting this @ a frineds going away/Birthday party. We're still up. We're still fucked. We're still tingling from these currents in the air. It's a bit sad.
High school was a time to act liek we knew everythign, and go for 110%. We were crass, brash, and instant. Forsight is defenatly something learned. Yet here we are. Here i am. A decade latter (almost), and I feel like i've lost it. That as great as these night are, the drinking, the laughfter, the sex. Hell just the beter people... ...it still seems that That Rush of being here & now, is gone.
I felt this @ Sam house a while ago. It was like, we were TRYING to have fun. And here it was liek there was this buffer. this cap. This inherent limit to what we could acomplish. to what we were (are) ready to do. Its under the surface. It the anti-ripples we made i nthe air.
Ripples are inherently positive and negitive. Here we are playing spin-the-bottle, and dancign to The doors, yet theres this unspoken, "I cant strip totaly naked, that would be weird". It's a cycle. We live, give birth to some interestign ideas, then die. Here i am being that "older guy" the "wisened male" ...no none cales me that, but the idea is there. I'm a teacher. I have to lead by example, yet I fall int othis trap of capping myself. We all do.
The onlything limiting you, is yourself.
And what you say in your mind, and even verbaly, all affects our soul. self. Mind.
Think positive. Have hope. Make your desteny your own.
Yell more. Add your own special spice.
Do more Acid.
Peace,
Brendan